Sunday, September 21, 2008
Maybe if I had tried harder- I need to stop beating myself up ./ 6:23 AM
You once asked me why I always hid behind those walls , as if it would be too hard to face the world . I told you then you were being foolish , but in fact I just didn't know how to answer you . You were too cruel . Seeing you just reminds me of how you were like so many light years ago , as if those unpleasant memories never existed , ceased to exist . I berated myself for crying over you ; ha boy , those groveling sessions that drove rah mad , those endless days of plotting to get back at you for the way you cut me , cut my heart into pieces . That was precious time lost when I could’ve been spending it on some other useless crap . Useless , undoubtedly , but still more meaningful then moping over you . Then , I got over you . I thought my troubles were over , every time we meet we just pretend that the other is naught but air , that empty space inside me filled with the hatred from knowing that you liked the way I was hurting so much . That’s the way I pictured you , almighty evil , never caring whether the way you treated me smarted worse than the harshest fall , or the deepest cut . The blood and tears I shed for you wasn’t worth it , so I barricaded my heart against you , barred myself against the tears that would come everytime you walk into my line of vision , barred the pain by digging my nails into the palms of my hands , until nothing was left but a numbing hurt that cured all but the emptiness inside . I wished , once , that we could just go back , but then rah told me I was being stupid and I guess it faded away . This year I met the other boy . The one who was my sunshine when there was rain , the one who was my haute café latte when there was nothing but exhaustion in my blood . Obviously that didn’t work out either , and I was back to thinking about you . Then came the other , my Avril skater boy in Prada . The one who was there 24/7 literally my saviour on skates I loved you so hard . Then came the storm and I guess you faded away too . Then I was back to thinking about effing fcuking bullshxtting YOU . Why can’t you just vanish from my sight !? Why can’t you just get the fcuking hell away from me and stop messing me up cos’ it freakin; hurts THAT MUCH . Boy you’re an incorrigible hurt .
Hiccccc ! Yo okay I'm back . Church was stupid in the sense that we did weird things today like: Values to live by . I ticked everything (wealth , status , self-sufficiency , self-control- I was bludgeoned by gemz to tick that !!) except for like , humility and some other crap . Haa I know I know , my priorities are all wrong shitz . BUT HELLO ! I TICKED INNER PEACE OKAY ! Me and gemz were like OMG HAHAHA OMMMMMMMMMM~ Find your hipper inner yo , let's hug a tree man , cuz' that's like , peeeeace~ LOLLLLL !! Abruptly ends in hysterical giggles . Francis glances over disapprovingly . I wave back cheerily ! HAHAHA :D Hereby ends my exploits with gemz ♥♥♥ Later went to sit with julesy , cos' she demanded why I always chose to sit with gemz :) Aw luv I sat with you today okay !! Watched "The bridge operator" , which was so sad cos the little boy OMG SO FRIGGIN CUTE died . I was like AHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!! HE'S GONNA DIE !!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !! And then julesy was like TSK !! And Francis was like -glare- SHUT UP !! And the guys over at the other group were like O.O hhaa . Then the train blared past the screen and everyone promptly went AHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!! EEEEEEEE !! DON'T DIEEEE !!! -.- I am so misunderstood .
Went up for church and I was being my usual air-headed self and gemz had to keep whacking me so I wouldn't lose track of mass . HEHEHE~ like it's my fault I'm ADHD positive ?? Then went back to class and sat with julesyyyy ♥ The evil exterminator of illegal immigrants ain't got nothin' on meeee . HAHAHA whatever . ER then at the end of class julesy and gemz went to wait for their 'rents with mwuahhhhh and as jules went down , me and gemz headed to the roundabout . I had just removed my contacts and was blurrily disconnected with the world when suddenly from behind came this HUGE disembodied shout :
Disembodied shout: MelissAHHHHHHHH MelissERRRRRR Melll !!!
Me: -jerks around blurrily- Huh ??
Person: HAHAHA
Me: (realises that it is shaun -.-) What
Gem: O.O
Shaun: Haha nothing . Where you going now ?
Me: Home ??
Shaun: Orh okay ! Bye !! (waves merrily and steps , no , JUMPS into hall)
Me and gem: O.O Bye ??
Lol that was the stupidfunny thing that happened today =.= Amongst others . I srsly think I have the weirdest jrcatttt . Anyway , went with dad for lunch after , and went to adjust my specssss . Realised they were having a promo on the Yang Chen Lin colour lenses omg will make dar dar come with me !! Go and buy :) 2 boxes get one free hahaha . Then went to try on specs since I'm going to China and dad's scared I will break my current pair . I LOVE THE JEAN PAUL GAULTIER AND THE EMPORIO ARMANI ONES !! Super cheap , too . $400 for the Jean Paul Gaultier , which is sooooooooo haute , and the Armani ones are only $320 !!! I was like omgomgomg I WANT !! Maybe if dad doesn't allow (he wanted me to get the cheaper Banana Republic ones) I'll beg and pay half of it :) I WANT THE JEAN PAULs !! ♥
Love is a bitch, pain is a whore,
& misery is the motherfarker that
won't leave me alone.
SRSLY man , (tag replies) good vhpy , good boy . And bh , hello why can't I be moping around when my friends leave ? Makeeeee ♥ Kisses haha I lurv yoooo popo and ty :) RAH ! I miss you too mocha latte freak ♥ MUAZXK .
Shall sign off now I'm spending way too much time online ! BYE~
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